Current date: 12th April 2019
Chiquita departed: 12th November 2018
My darling Chiquita
My feelings are bubbling up today - they've been waiting to be expressed for a while. You know that in recent times it's not always been easy for me to shed tears when I need to. It isn't that I try to hold back from my feelings - far from it - but somehow the physical release of the emotions find it hard to find their way to the surface these days - until now.
TODAY I CRY.
Today I cry for the sense of deep loss I feel without your physical presence. It's been 5 months to the day since you continued on your journey; yet today I feel as if it's only just happened.
Today I want to say sorry for any prolonged pain or suffering you experienced in those final few weeks. I was feeling so torn at the time between wanting to do everything I could to help ease your pain and keep you well, yet in my heart always wondering if it was right to let you linger. Please forgive me for all the messages you were trying to give me that I didn't hear. I know you were preparing to leave the day I saw your image appear on the shamanic drum. Deep down I KNEW then what the outcome was - you were imbuing your energy into the drum and getting ready to leave. But I kept denying it to myself. I wanted to make you well - but that is such an arrogant foolish thing to think. You knew your time to go was approaching and I see now how many times you were trying to let me know.
Today I want to express the guilt that I also experienced. The guilt about foreseeing a future without horses and wanting that to happen. The guilt about not wanting to go through another winter worrying about you whenever it rained, or the wind howled or the snow came. I was so weary every evening about how you were doing, anxious every time I heard the rain lashing against the windows, or how we could trim your back feet when you had difficulty holding your leg up for long, or whether your weight would drop even more. I even felt guilty at the sense of relief and release that came after you passed, knowing that I didn't have to worry about you anymore. How daft is that? Yet it is part of what makes me who I am - full of contrasting and conflicting emotions.
Today I want to say that caring for you in the last couple of years deepened the bond between us far beyond my wildest hopes. I shall forever remember the times we galloped through forests and had fun in the sandschool when we were in Sussex, and the friendships we shared there. And I also hold special more recent memories when just you and I meandered through the lanes here in Somerset on our own or galloped the full width of the vast fields around the farm, or walked down to the river for a splash - and I hold those bonds really close in my heart. But now our time together here is complete. Star has now found her forever home as Lakota Star - being 'mum' to two young small Welshies and finding the deep healing that she so desperately needs from her own past. The fields here still seem empty and forelorn, and there's healing work to do there to help restore the energy. The spring grass and docks are already taking a firm hold here and soon it will no longer resemble the place I brought you to.
You once told me 'YOU ARE MY HUMAN'. Well, my darling Chiquita - YOU ARE MY HORSE. We may have only known each other in this life for eight years but I understand now what we're about. And that bond continues. I will never own another horse in this life time. My work continues in helping other humans and now I have your help through the drum too. And yes, in those quiet still moments I shall still feel you by my side, giving me your deep 'knowing' and wise look.
I shall continue to feel your gentle guidance until we meet again in the quantum field of consciousness.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ETERNAL WISDOM.
From your human.